warning: kate is broke, swamp, brotherless, gooseless, sick and sore in the heart (just a little).

it sounds like my life is really bad. HAHA. it really isn't. just a bit under the weather. just a bit this time of the month. just a bit lonely. just wondering where some relationships will lead to. wanting something you can't have is not easy, especially when sometimes it becomes your main motivation for doing things. hmm. maybe not motivation, but an incentive. a big big bonus.

monday. during our radio lecture we had some grads come in to talk to us about what they were up to since graduating from coms. it was really mean! it really got me thinking about what i could be doing in the future. it got me wondering whether i wanted to be in the radio industry. it got me thinking about where Jesus would want me to be, how i can be best used. i really wanna work for Mai FM, but listening to it today reminded me how far away i am from being an islander and therefore how far i am away from getting a job on air there. guess i should talk to a tutor about this. and guess i probably shouldn't think about it too much, but it's still a bit unsettling for my mind.

today i didn't go into uni. its the first time ive missed uni for a whole day this year! (i'm pretty sure of it) i've skipped a class before, but probably not a whole day. its cos my body desperately needed some rest. today i'm thinking about media com, and whether exposure to violence on TV fo a long period of time makes that person scared of the outside world. wot do you think, dear reader?

to my dear reader.

let me apologize for my rants. but i guess its good that you know what im going through in my head. at the moment, i am bothered by things, because there's so much uncertainty in the air. and my self-worth is questioned, so is the future. my head and heart is working overtime, but i know God is testing me. so much to trust Him for. but i think that's the point. :P

anyway, on the positive side, i think i'm making new friends. :) i love that. discovering people. now that elliot's moved out, i think its time for me to be my own person. i haven't fully understood what the effect of his moving out will be, but i've felt the weight of it. something big happened. i will miss him! but i guess this would've happened sooner or later.

just thinking... i could so easily shut out the hard parts of my life... maybe move to el, gil, meg and pete's church cos they're there... and i dont have to work through settling in so much. i dont have to work through all the things that reach my heart. but i know this is not what God's called me to do. its not supposed to be easy. and where would i be without the hardtimes? how would i learn? patience. trust. thats what i need. . and what the heck, its not even about me.

been reading genesis for my quiet time lately. so much emphasis on God's faithfulness when reading about Jacob. and then the Israelites. i know God's still the same. i just need to hold on to that and ditch my fleshy desires!

ditchit ditchit.

i think so much about what we could be. and how worlds apart we are. and how much i respect you. but how much i don't understand you. i spend hours figuring you out, talking to friends about you. i wonder sometimes if i'm being figured out too. i wish i was. how do you work? what are you thinking? how do i know if you care? i like it subtle, but this... this is a big puzzle. how much do you want me to put into this? how much do you want me to probe into your life without knowing anything for certain? i feel like i'm stabbing the air.

but this is my task. i want to love unconditionally, regardless of what you feel. and not just you. everyone else around you. i dont want it to be just about you. i want to love because Jesus loves.

so much to be excited for this year... i feel like i'm on the brink of things. Its like urgggh lets get it starTED! this year. its gonna be a crazy one, i can just feel it. with the massive change in CF in terms of people, in terms of leadership, and maybe additional priorities.. and the ministry flat, elliot moving out, one-to-one bible studies with Katie... growing relationships with different people... new AUT-ers... man!! sometimes i get so overwhelmed with everything to come this year. and whether i can handle it, yknow? so much of God's work to do and yet so much inner turmoil. i wish i could put my entire heart into serving God - i know that bits of it are still struggling with various things. but i guess in due time i'll find my place in youth group, i'll find my place in CF and in my family - learn to fill up my roles. i just need to trust God so much.. on the brink.

on the up side, summertime has got to be the best time of the year. i think i've been to 6 camps/holidays outside of aucks. one of the first things that hits you when summer starts is the Fruit. mmMMmm.

strawberry and nutella toast combo = yum.

and of course, Fruit + Beach = Heaven! (almost.)

also i get to spend time with the people i love! like geuth. gooth. juith. this was taken pretty early on in the summer. probs wasnt even summer yet, actually. but this is a picture that isnt on facebook, so i thought id chuck it up here. :) so thats us and our matching nightgowns from elliot. our sleepovers are the best. nothing can beat midnight macs, hanging out and being stupid, chatting about life and most importantly, everytime i hang with gooth, i am pointed to Jesus, and am encouraged to live my life for Him!

my newfound love is reggae!! i did a paper on it for pop culture this year, in my course... managed to get an A- for it! so stoked. i rarely get As. but i guess it was fueled by my interest for reggae, because its got such a rich history, in terms of rastafarianism and the way reggae was used to spread political ideals and protest against racism in countries all over the world!! so i appreciated reggae from an historic point of view... but going to parachute made me a big fan of house of shem... and i remember being gutted that i didnt manage to make my way to the katchafire gig at AUT last year. So, i made up for it by going to the summer sounds gig at point chev!! we didnt get to stay long, but megs and i managed to freak in the bop pit for a few songs before getting dizzy from all the smoke and lack of oxygen around us. this photo was taken at coyle park, where it was held... theres dino, glen, megs, me and nate! :) pete brown and keith (a cool canadian who likes to run) were there too, but they were not captured! it was cool to hang with people i knew from different parts of my random life at the same time! hopefully more of that will come. i like sharing my friends with my other friends. i somehow am not a big fan of my life being broken up into bits.

SOoOo... coming up next in kate's life: the cf leaders retreat in coromandel! me, gil, chew, lucie and jess will be away for 3 days, discussing what God would have us do this year in AUT. we're gonna squeeze our brains for ideas for orientation and set dates, locations for banner painting, chalk drawing, fundraising... ooooh. *shudder* the excitement! please do pray for me... so much energy and wisdom and understanding needed to discern God's will for the future. and i wanna make it so good. hopefully i'll be able to continue blogging like this. if you are reading this, please let me know that you are reading it. i'd love to hear from you.

God bless!!!

father you know my heart and everything that's in it. he probably wouldn't believe the pain he causes me unknowingly, but you do. you know my selfish struggle and i pray that you will take away the pride and the jealousy that runs around in my heart and drives me nuts. may the way i feel towards others be pleasing to you. may i not seek to please men, but to please you.

i commit this heap of feelings and shortcomings into your hands.

amen.